Jesus lives: altar wine prevents goat sacrifice
Jesus may not have to die for his sins after all, as the owner of a goat who attacked a police officer last weekend pledges to sell him for a canister of altar wine rather than throwing him on the grill.
When Jesus chased a mother and child up a tree on Saturday evening before aiming a powerful butt at an officer of the law, the animal’s owner said he had little choice but to sacrifice the billy goat in the interests of public safety.
But when animal lovers pleaded for the barbecue to be called off, Tor Brede Launes decided instead to put Jesus up for sale on the popular buy-and-sell website finn.no, newspaper Fædrelandsvennen reports.
“I want a canister of altar wine for him. I deserve at least that for him,” the farmer told the paper, adding that he would also help catch the goat to hand him over to any prospective buyer.
With the sale generating lots of interest in Norway, Launes could find that he loses a goat but gains a girlfriend.
“One woman who called wanted me as part of the deal; she saw it as a personal ad. I found that quite charming, so I’m going to follow it up a bit. If I end up getting a farm lady into the bargain, I’d have to say I’m reasonably well satisfied with Jesus,” he told broadcaster NRK.
Regardless of the farmer’s fate, Jesus now looks most likely to wind up leaving his island home in the south for a field on the west coast, where a budding breeder has expressed an interest in taking on the bad boy of the Norwegian goat scene.
With Jesus setting off to bleat in pastures new, Launes may have already succeeded in his bid to replenish his flock with a gentler beast. And the biblical theme seems set to prevail on the island of Fugløya, after neighbouring farmer Viggo Olsen offered to gift Launes an African pygmy goat called Josef.
Olsen assured Launes that while Joseph likes to jump fences, he’s not a fighter, making him unlikely to get pepper-sprayed by the police. And with a goat named Maria already residing on the island, Josef’s dreams could be about to come true.
“I’m 99 percent certain I’ll replace Jesus with Josef. Lots of people want Jesus, and I think Joseph will thrive on the island,” Launes told NRK.